I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
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very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The internet is magic sometimes.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Its a hippotatomus
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.