what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
U talkin 2 me?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag