shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
You Might Also Like
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The devil.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..