Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
LA today:
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
6. me as a lawyer
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.