Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Proctology is located in A55
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
We’ve all been there…
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”