If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
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I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I came this close!!!!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”