*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.