Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
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There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”