my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
my proudest tweet
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.