I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: