employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My biological clock is wheezing.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die