Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
San Francisco has too many rules
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Care for your back
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The Backseat Boys
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.