My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.