Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You Might Also Like
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
There’s always that one guy
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.