JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.