Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.