Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
181.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.