Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.