Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
wish me luck lads
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Customer is always right
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
yeah 😭
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
🤣
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises