*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.