If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!