Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Oh hi lol
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you