got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.