Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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