astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography