Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
craving $300 all of a sudden
The game has officially changed 😎
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.