Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
⛄️
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone