[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Tell me you get it…🤣
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies