My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Doctors texting each other.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger