My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator