I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Fiction has to make sense.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.