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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.