Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Yes my dude
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra