She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face