Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You Might Also Like
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.