[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name