Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: