Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.