(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.