Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
huge if true: the moon
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*