Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is