Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
is this how new cars are made??
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this