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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.