“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
#titanic
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]