Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.