My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit