[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.