*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*