I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere