My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though